The Creator's Grace: Translation Analysis (Part 2)

[douqi]

Following my previous post, which highlighted the overall weaknesses of the translation preview for the first chapter of Ning Yuan's The Creator's Grace (造物的恩宠, pinyin: zaowu de enchong) using extracts drawn from the first quarter of the translation preview, I'll now move on to rest of the translation preview, highlighting infelicities that strike me as especially jarring and pointing out mistakes. The Chinese source text of this chapter is here.

We start with this section which tells us how Ran Jin first became a part of the Chi business empire:

Six years ago, Chi Li introduced Ran Jin to her family. At the time, no one knew who this half-dead woman was, where she came from, and how she had crossed paths with Chi Li.

Original text:

六年前，这个叫冉禁的女人被姐姐带回了迟家。

初来迟家，谁也不知道这个只剩下半条命的女人是谁，从何而来，又是怎么与姐姐认识的。

So, right off, here's something I think is definitely a mistake. 被姐姐带回了迟家 literally translates to 'was brought to the Chi home by [her] older sister/jiejie.' Now, you can often use the same formulation — 带 someone 回家 — to mean introduce them (usually if they're a romantic partner) to your parents/family. But this is not what happens here. Ran Jin was not introduced to Chi Li's family — she was physically brought to the Chi family home, in a seriously injured state. That's why she's described as looking 'half-dead' — it's not that she set out to meet Chi Li's parents in full Goth make-up. This becomes very clear as one reads just a little further into the novel, so it made me begin to suspect that the translator had not actually read very much of this novel at the point they translated this chapter.

Just a little way down, this little line describing Ran Jin's rise to fame really irked me, partly for extremely personal taste reasons, but partly not:

Beautiful, astute, flawless—having basked in the spotlight time and again, Ran Jin had steadily ascended to the pinnacle of public admiration.

Original text:

美丽，聪颖，看似毫无缺陷的冉禁在一次次的曝光下，渐渐站到了万众瞩目的最高峰。

Look. If 'handsome, clever' was good enough for Jane Austen's Emma, 'beautiful, clever', is good enough for you. 'Clever' is also the much more straightforward translation, and exactly nothing is gained by turning it into 'astute'. Instead of 'flawless', the original text says 看似毫无缺陷, which literally means 'seemingly without flaw'. And that nod to the appearance (and not necessarily the fact) of flawlessness arguably foreshadows what comes next.

The next bit is Chi Yu reminiscing about her childhood with older sister Chi Li:

Her older sister often reminded her of one particular advice: “You don’t need to walk the same road as everyone else. Do what you like to do and be who you want to be.”

Original text:

姐姐对她说的最多的一句话便是：“你不用走别人走过千百遍的路，你只需要做你喜欢的事，成为你喜欢的样子就好了。”

'One particular advice' is not grammatical. Also the original text doesn't explicitly contain the 'advice' element. A smoother and also more literally accurate translation of the beginning of that line would be something like 'The advice her sister gave her most often' or even more plainly 'The thing her sister told her most often'.

More reminiscing about the past in the next section:

Furthermore, she considered Ran Jin, who had swiftly transitioned from an outsider to the second mistress of the household, as part of their family circle.

Original text:

更何况，这位“外人”在进入迟家之后，很快就摆脱了外人的身份，摇身一变成为了女主人。

This is probably quite a personal quibble, but calling Ran Jin the 'second mistress of the household' is odd and potentially confusing especially without further explanation. On a generous reading, I get that what the translator is trying to convey is that Chi Li is head of the household (it seems to be implied that we should understand Chi Li to be 'first mistress of the household') and that Ran Jin, as her girlfriend, has settled in well in the position of 'second mistress of the household' (co-mistress of the household?) But I think this shows a misunderstanding of quasi-gender dynamics in baihe as well as the nuances of terms like 'mistress of the household'. Chi Li is not a 'mistress': she's very clearly playing the outward-facing role that would be usually taken by a male head of household, and this is quite clear from the original text. Meanwhile, as her domestic and romantic partner, Ran Jin is playing the inward-facing, slightly socially 'lesser' role that a wife would traditionally play.

Next section:

In Chi Yu’s opinion, her "sister-in-law" might be rather demure in private, but her decisive and uncompromising approach to work made her the perfect aide for Chi Li.

Original text:

迟遇知道，“大嫂”对内有些腼腆，但她是姐姐的贤内助，办事果敢手段强硬，

贤内助 is a term usually used for a capable wife who supports her husband's professional activities. If only the translator had known the term 'right-hand woman' and had used it instead of 'aide'. I'm also going to put a pin in the translator's decision here to render 大嫂 as 'sister-in-law' rather than going for a transliterated honorific. This will become relevant shortly.

Next section:

Ran Jin had become an indispensable figure within the Chi Group. Her rapid rise to power sent shockwaves throughout the energy industry, sparking all sorts of speculations.

Original text:

冉禁的侵入实在太过迅速，迅速到从迟氏帝国到整个能源产业的圈子都大为惊讶，不能理解。

So the thing I want to point out here is that the original text speaks expressly of Ran Jin's 'invasion' of the Chi business empire. This is hugely relevant, because Chi Yu swiftly goes on to suspect Ran Jin of scheming to usurp Chi Li's place at the head of said empire. It also makes the text more interesting and flavourful! And yet the translator has chosen to completely flatten it.

Next we get to the bit where Chi Yu recalls hearing the news of her sister's death:

Everyone claimed that Chi Li—the optimistic, idealistic, and ambitious Chi Li—had taken her own life. Chi Yu rejected that explanation.

Original text:

他们说，一向乐观又充满理想和抱负的姐姐是自杀。迟遇不可能相信。

Once again, 'It was impossible for Chi Yu to believe that' or 'Chi Yu found that impossible to believe' would be more direct, clearer and mirror the literal meaning of the original text more closely.

Next section:

Dealing with the heart-wrenching grief was painful enough, but Chi Yu felt even more frustrated when the police hastily closed the case.

Original text:

失去姐姐已经让她肝肠寸断，而警方的草率结案更是让她万分恼火。

Look. Look. 万分恼火 is a lot more enraged than merely 'frustrated'. I am frustrated when the local supermarket fails to stock up on my favourite brand of instant noodles. I think having the police investigation into your sister's mysterious death completely mucked up warrants a much stronger reaction.

Next section:

Sorrow tore at Chi Yu’s heart as thoughts of her dear sister, condemned to eternal rest for reasons unclear, consumed her mind.

You usually condemn someone to eternal damnation, not eternal rest. In fact, a long rest is sounding pretty good to me right now.

Next section:

Tonight, the Chi Group planned to host a press conference under the guise of a dinner party, where Ran Jin would announce her acquisition of the rights to exploit energy resources on the Moon.

Original text:

今晚有一场晚宴，实则是迟氏集团的新闻发布会，冉禁要在新闻发布会上宣布她刚刚抢到手的月区能源开采权一事。

So in middle-class British terms (my current milieu), 'dinner party' is a small to mid-sized social gathering which you host usually in your own home and usually with a sit-down, fancier-than-usual meal. What the Chi group is holding here would just be called a party. The phrase 'acquisition of the rights to exploit energy resources' is not technically wrong but is too clunky and reads like something out of an energy law textbook.

Perhaps one of the weirdest translation choices yet:

Once she dragged Ran Jin’s reputation through the mud, she would make sure that both the siren and her policewoman accomplice faced the justice they deserved.

Original text:

迟遇要让冉禁后悔，让她痛苦，让她身败名裂之后，连同那狼狈为奸姓路的警察一块儿绳之以法。

The 'policewoman accomplice' here refers to Lu Siqing, Ran Jin's only close friend. What I'm puzzled about is why the translator has chosen go with 'the siren and her policewoman accomplice'. 'Siren' presumably refers to Ran Jin, but there's no equivalent word in the original text — the closest is 狼狈为奸, which just means colluding to do something bad. If the translator had at any point in this process given me any confidence, I'd be wondering whether they were working off a much older version of the text in which Ran Jin had been described as a 狐狸精 (literally fox spirit; vixen).

Next section:

She whispered into the mic, “I’m outside with Jin… Uh-huh, talk to you later. Bye now.”

Original text:

“……我在外面呢，和小禁在一块儿。嗯嗯，回头再说。挂了。”

The speaker here is Lu Siqing, Ran Jin's friend, who's driving her to the party. Very importantly, in the original text, Lu Siqing refers to Ran Jin as 'Xiao Jin'. Seasoned c-novel readers will know that speaks volumes about their relationship. It's also plot-relevant, because later in the novel, an important character with, let's just say, a legitimate claim to the name 'Ran Jin' turns up, and the main way you can tell which 'Ran Jin' the other characters are referring to is by observing which nickname/name variant they use. Plus, the development of Ran Jin and Chi Yu's romantic relationship will be charted by the shift in the names they address each other by. But the translator has chosen to render this as merely 'Jin', both showing their ignorance of what c-novel fans value, especially in a romance novel, and also reinforcing my suspicion they have not read far ahead enough (much less finished reading the book). My sense is that their plan is to adopt this same approach to translating name variants and honorifics for the rest of the novel. Remember the pin I put into the translator's decision to render 大嫂 as 'sister-in-law' rather than 'dasao' earlier? That becomes relevant here. I have no objection, in that particular context, to Chi Yu thinking of Ran Jin as 'sister-in-law' rather than dasao, because she's not addressing her directly. But I think it does show the direction the translator is trending in when it comes to translating names.

Small but illustrative bit of nitpickery:

Yet despite the cufflinks rigidly wrapped around her wrists, the police officer could still notice faint red marks on them.

The translator doesn't know how cufflinks work, I guess.

In the next section, Lu Siqing quizzes Ran Jin on the latter's ability to deal with Chi Yu's anger, and Ran Jin replies:

Ran Jin gave her a weak smile. “No need. I can handle her.”

Original text:

冉禁回头对她淡淡一笑：“不必了，我自己能应付。”

So... 淡淡一笑 means a faint, fleeting smile, which can sometimes be interpreted as an impassive smile, but typically not as a weak smile (you would use other words to convey that). 'Weak smile' is also inconsistent with Ran Jin's attitude here — she's trying to convey to Lu Siqing a sense of calm confidence, and Ran Jin is amazing at controlling the outward projection of her emotions (which anyone who has read even a little way into the novel would know).

Next section:

Her long black hair falling over her shoulders, her hauntingly vacant gaze, and her sclerae more bloodshot than expected combined to create a striking portrait.

People don't usually use the word 'sclerae' in casual, non-medical conversations, translator. Hope that helps!

The next bit has Lu Siqing mildly ranting at Ran Jin:

You’ve curbstomped enough rivals over the years to fill a small town. Heck, you could probably conquer Hell with all the people bowing down to you.

Original text:

是，你多厉害啊，这些年被你玩死的竞争对手满山满谷，跪你家门口给你咣咣磕头的人能把地府的鬼都吵醒。

I'm not sure about the use of something that is (to me) as slangy as 'curbstomping' here. The original text is informal, but not exactly slangy. The next part of the sentence (about 'conquering Hell') is just wrong. The original text translates more or less literally to 'the number of people kowtowing to you would make a din loud enough to wake all the ghosts/demons in the Underworld/Hell'. There's nothing in there, express or implied, about 'conquering Hell'. If this is artistic licence on the part of the translator, it's both a significant departure and completely unnecessary.

The final bit I'm going to complain about is something that also drives me bonkers in Western-published writing and also fic:

She reached for a mint candy from the glove compartment, unwrapping it before handing it with a smile to her driver.

'Her driver' is... Lu Siqing, who is driving the car. Just say Lu Siqing or 'her friend'. Also, the translator keeps referring to Lu Siqing as 'the policewoman' or 'the police officer' throughout this scene, even though the original text doesn't use any of these substitutions and just calls her 'Lu Siqing' throughout. This is like those slash fics that try to deal with the 'double he pronoun problem' by using eyeroll-worthy epithets like 'the blond', 'the burly one', 'the grey-eyed man' and causing me frequently to wonder 'wait has this just become a threesome, why is there a sudden mystery blond'.

So here we are. tl;dr: I am weary and filled with pessimism.

Comments

[halfcactus]

I'm using these posts as reading practice. XD

The notes about relationship roles/dynamics are so interesting! And the erasure of evocative, intentional imagery is definitely significant. :( Tbh I think results might actually have been better if this was edited MTL because I feel like a lot of energy was wasted on making choices that did not have to be choices.

[douqi]

This reminds me of something vorvayne said about the Seven Seas TGCF translation: 'tragically I think [the translator] like, tried to make it nice, made some Decisions. and they've all been dreadful and confusing.'

It is interesting that translating from clear straightforward language into clear straightforward language is this challenging, at least for this translator.

[halfcactus]

It really is so hard if you're not used to writing and don't read a lot in the target language! Personally my grasp of English and instincts for it break down the moment I translate or write creatively, which is why I find a lot of this particular translator's faults highly relatable. :P

A common thread is really that a lot of these translators... how do I put it... don't seem to be interested in reading English-language novels in the first place, and it shows? And the publishers clearly don't care enough about quality control, so... :( At least one can still hope for some licensed translations to be better than others. XD